Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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