Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
