Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
