I just pynch a tree in the face
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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