Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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