I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
