the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
