fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
