There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
