Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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