I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
