the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
