Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
