your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
