you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
50% drunk capacity currently
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
