I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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