How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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