Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
