Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
