u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
