My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
