...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
