Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
