Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
