You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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