bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
