I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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