2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
