Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
