I checked into jail on foursquare
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
