the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
