Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
