I'm jealous of your bromance
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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