So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
These tits shall not be calmed
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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