Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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