are you so shy because you have an std?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
