I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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