i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i will never coherently bang her
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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