how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we're making bets on your personal life
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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