if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
