I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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