Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
