I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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