I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
