so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
