Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
