I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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