This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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