They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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