Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Randomize
