she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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